Detective Series Not Written Yet ...

I was avoiding work the other day by going through old Word files and found these little parodies of detective series that I must have written well over a decade ago. Well, they made me laugh. Well, not laugh but at least smile. Thought I'd post them here for lack of a better place.

Dolores Radcliffe is the FBI’s best sketch artist.

Seven serial killers have been drawn and quartered

after her devastatingly accurate renditions.

This time, the only living victims of the man known as The Tickler

are all blind. It is Radcliffe’s biggest challenge yet,

and she must draw on all her resources to elude a most fiendish

criminal, who has suddenly taken a murderous interest in her.

Helped by gruff cop Dougie Ramirez, and quadriplegic Aunt Beulah,

Radcliffe must rely on all her senses to stay alive

in her sketchiest adventure yet: Third Sight.

Bob Codd trawls for swordfish by day and night

and still finds time to reel in an occasional criminal.

When Sven the cook is found with fishing-line around his neck,

a recipe for turkey tettrazini in his hand, it is Bob’s job to find out why.

It seems the crew of six all had motives for killing Sven.

It’s danger on the high seas as the action ranges from bow to stern,

galley to look-out,  calm seas to deadly storms, and Bob finds himself

once again in very close quarters with a dangerous killer, who is suddenly

angling for him, as well. Bob Codd hooks himself

another perfect killer in Death in the Eye of the Storm.

Who says dogs are man's best friend?

They haven’t met Dill, the extraordinary crime-solving gerbil,

in his latest adventures with Sari, lesbian clairvoyant

to the stars in Beverly Hills. When a series of posh pet stores are robbed,

Sari and Dill take notice. Warned off by the police,

and by Sari’s luscious new girlfriend, up-and-coming starlet Victoria Sinew,

it’s up to Dill to infiltrate the once Gerbil-free zone of Oodles of Poodles,

where it seems Dill might be the latest victim.

Hilarity, and danger, ensue, in Sari and Dill’s newest foray
into high-class crime: Gerbils Don’t Go There.